Why getting a HANDJOB in Japan is a BAD idea

Let me start off by saying this: I do not condone prostitution. I do not condone paying anyone for any sexual act. It’s morally disgusting. It’s degrading and shameful. If you do – that makes you an asshole. There – we’ve got that out of the way.

We were both intoxicated. We missed the train hours ago so had to pull an all-nighter in Roppongi. Public transportation stops running at about midnight so there comes a point when you have to put the beers down and go home OR you can decide to grab a red bull and try to survive the night. We chose the ladder.

Japan

Before we knew it the sun was coming up and Clay, who lives in Japan, decided he could really go for some McDonald’s. I bitched about flying to the other side of the planet to eat at the golden arches, but my drunken stomach couldn’t argue with the idea of a McMuffin. I told my wife I would be right back and Clay and I marched to the Micky-D’s.

As we made our way to the street we were bombarded by small Japanese women in large body-length coats soliciting us for “massages”. I knew this was it. I would never have this opportunity again. I had to know if the rumors were true – are these really hand-job girls? It couldn’t be, right? I told Clay that he had to do it – that this was the stuff legendary stories were made of. After some begging and strong negotiations he agreed.

They led us upstairs into a small parlor. They lowered the price again and again in attempt to get me to agree to a massage as well, but I knew my wife would never forgive me for such a detour from McDonald’s. I pointed to my wedding ring and declined, and declined again, and again. These girls were obviously used to a married man receiving their services. We made it to the parlor.

There I was, sitting in a small waiting room. A small sheet is the only barrier that seperated me and a dozen guys getting jerked-off by small Japanese women. That’s when I heard Clay’s voice from behind the sheet.

“No! No!” There was some talk in Japanese. “No! I want my money back!”

Clay came storming from around the curtain pants unzipped and shirt off. He had cash in hand and demanded that we leave. I, to this day do not know what happened behind those thin sheets, but the pain in his voice can only lead me to speculate. We left immediately and I was elated.

It wasn’t until hours later on the long, shameful train ride back to Clay’s house that I realized just how disgusting of a person I was for being in a small jerk-off parlor touching magazines in a waiting room. The humidity could have only been caused by the ball sweat of a few disgusting perverts paying for services after a long night on the town.

To be honest – I don’t know what I expected. It was a massage parlor and I think I wanted it to be just a massage parlor, but the rumors are true – you can in fact get a hand-job in Japan.

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4 thoughts on “Why getting a HANDJOB in Japan is a BAD idea

  1. Phil Schifley

    Jeez prude. This story sucks: no details on your pal’s squeamishness; a bunch of soapbox moralizing from you; zero explication on how the local customs might make you the asshole, not the people in another country. Those magazines in the massage parlor have more depth than you.

    Reply
    1. Atticus C. Post author

      Hmm. Soapbox moralizing? I think my you missed the point that the story was supposed to be more funny than serious. Just a random experience. Maybe it’s my fault for being a bad story-teller, but then again, maybe it’s your fault for being an asshole. Probably both.

      Reply
      1. Ronald R.

        No, your story is definitely unfunny. What the guy above you said is completely true, he just didn’t say it in a nice way, which I think comes from the fact that you were being an asshole in your post. Anyways, whatever, at least I wasn’t the guy that was reading cum-filled magazines while fantasizing about my best bud nutting in the next room.
        And I don’t blame you, when all your sexual experiences is based on your wife pegging your sorry ass, you kinda wish your friendo could get off from a toothless asian chick

        Reply

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