get your Jehovah Witness asses off my front porch

Okay, well maybe that’s not exactly what I said, but after five minutes of being courteous to a complete stranger who has knocked on my front door on a Saturday that is what I was thinking.

I’m not sure how it is for the rest of the country, but if you live in the Southern states bible belt region, you know how annoying religious groups knocking on your door can be.  (usually Mormon or Jehovah Witness)  On one level I kind of respect the fact that these folks believe in their philosophy so much that they go out and spread the word.  I mean – if we all believe in God and Hell – I mean REALLY believe then we should be knocking on every front door in America begging people to save themselves.

Seriously, if we knew a natural disaster resulting in a painful death was coming we would surely frantically scramble to our neighbor’s homes warning them, right?  Since we aren’t, even the religious, it makes me wonder how much the REALLY believe in this whole religion thing.  On some level I think people use religion as security when they need it and forget about it the rest of the time.  Maybe that’s how it should be used…

Anyways, back to my point.  Here I am sitting on the couch after doing yard work since 8am and suddenly I get a knock on the door. Random knocks on my door always trouble me because if I’m not expecting anyone it probably means a.) Someone needs help b.) I’m being arrested, or c.) Someone wants to sell me something.  None of those things am I interested in!  This time it was “c” someone trying to sell me something (religion).

It was a black man and his daughter, both adults and well dressed – both fairly articulate and friendly.  I’m not a complete asshole so I didn’t just say “get the F off my lawn”.  I was nice enough and had a friendly conversation, that in retrospect lasted about 5 minutes too long.  They wanted to talk to me about God, of course.  They also wanted to tell me about their religion (which is one of the craziest of all the Christian sects if you ask me – well, hell, their all crazy) After the pleasantries were over I somehow miraculously convinced them to leave without being a complete dick.  They of course asked me when I would be available for a full conversation and I made up an excuse about having a sporadic schedule (which is true, btw).  I’m sure they will pop up at my door again soon – which brings me to my next point.

After they left my doorstep I decided to go on a run.  I started to think about what I would/will do if they come back.  I know that I honestly will not be able to be a complete asshole to them.  On the other hand I could invite them in and have a little fun.  I wonder if they know what they are walking into.  I seem like such a nice unassuming fellow.  They don’t know that I have an entire home library full of Christian apologetics, secular beliefs, and argument counter-argument religious debates. (by library I mean about 20-25 books)  So should I invite them in and spend what is sure to be a couple hours of making them question their faith?  I mean it would probably be fun for the first hour until I realize that I’m getting no where and still have to sit through this another hour.  For some people not believing is not an option, period.  Maybe if I just debate them for a few minutes on the front porch?

Eh, I don’t know and honestly I hope they DO NOT come back.  I do not want to have to make the decision and I do not want to be responsible for making someone question their faith.  If this grown man, who has apparently studied his religion thoroughly, can’t see the flaw in logic then I highly doubt that I will be the one to show him the light.  I’m not against people being religious anyways.  Not in the scene that I really care what they believe.   The Dali Lama is awesome.  Jesus was a rebel.  I’m not totally convinced that there can’t be some sort of afterlife or deity out there, I mean, what do I know?  I do have a problem when ultra-religion halts progress in progressive thinking or when it causes people to act irrationally violent.  Growing up baptist I’ve witnessed entire congregation that reject legitimate thought and progress for a belief system that everyone that doesn’t believe what they do is going to hell.  There are more progressive congregations out there, but trust me, the uber-religious are still out there and thriving.

Well, this rant is getting pretty long and if they come back I’ll keep you updated.  I promise I won’t be a complete ass, but I might give them some healthy debate.  Why not?


11 thoughts on “get your Jehovah Witness asses off my front porch

  1. jon

    If it were me, I wouldn’t bother debating with them. It’s playing into their mind-set, and I think logical argument will have zero effect on their beliefs (which in your heart you really don’t want to influence anyhow). Their beliefs come from emotion, not logic – and they’ll only change (if they ever do) for emotional reasons. If they come again, I’d just say, politely but firmly, I’m sorry I’m not interested. If they persist after this, then you have the right to be rude. I think there are too many interesting things in life to engage your mind in; playing with these folks isn’t worth your time.

  2. Psilomelane

    I have no patience for door-to-door religion peddlers; when a Mormon, or JW, or any other random christian proselytizer comes knocking it usually takes only about five seconds to determine they’re missionaries, and I just cut them off mid-sentence (“impolite”, but necessary — my time is valuable to me), say, “I’m not interested,” and close the door. They’re not going to change my mind, and I won’t alter theirs in situations like this, so I’d rather get back to what I was doing as quickly as possible, with my mood being negatively tainted as little as possible by their intrusion.

  3. Atticus Finch

    Thanks for the advice Guys! Honestly I’ll just send them on their way again when/if they stop by (hopefully they will not) or my poor wife will have to deal with them. Living in a fairly religious area and being raised religious too makes me want to just grab their face and say “WAKE UP!!” It is very tough to find the strength and courage within yourself to stop being religious if everyone you know and have known believes something. Anyways, I’ll take both of your advice and not wast my time – there are too many presuppositions.

  4. jon

    I can imagine that it is especially aggravating when you’ve been ‘over-exposed’ to religion. I didn’t grow up with much of it — my introduction to Christianity was Jesus Christ Superstar and Godspell.

  5. jon

    The topic of proselytizing came up tonight in conversation, and I was thinking of your post here. I was thinking that if they come back to your house, and if you REALLY are tempted to engage them — instead of playing the atheist card (which they’re ready for, and will just be frustrating in the end) it would be funny to be ready with some pamphlets from the Mormons (or whatever religion you think is nuttiest). If they give you one of their pamphlets, you give them one of theirs and try to convert them to Mormonism. You can make them a deal, you’ll listen to them for 1 minute if they read 1 page of your Mormon literature. That’s the deal.
    That would be pretty funny.

  6. travcam

    Tell them you were in the middle of cleaning your guns and offer them a beer, then act offended when they turn you down…. Usually works for me.


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