I guess my Dry Humor makes me a Prick

Allow me to make an admission of guilt: My since of humor is usually composed of me and a few close friends (mostly me) making dry distasteful remarks at the expense of others or about life in general – this usually comes across in one of two ways.

1. The person totally gets it and falls in love with it. Insert my wife here. She just loves that I am kind of an unapologetic asshole – I think it even turns her on (and several of her friends). My best friend and I love it – we get off on our dry and sarcastic attitudes. I am the king of the jungle of prick remarks.

2. People get offended and take it personally. Some people hate my humor and become instantly combative. I learned this (again) the other night when I went out with a “friend that is a girl’s” birthday party. One of her associates hated me. She wanted me dead. Unfortunately for her my wit was far superior to hers so the more she tried to challenge me verbally, the more brutal my attacks became. Also, she was slowly becoming intoxicated – which meant her little intelligence was quickly slipping into the great unknown. By the end of the night it was like beating a three year old at video games. All enjoyment was gone. She eventually insulted everyone that was in a 5 foot radius of me and went outside to smoke a cigarette. She hated me, but EVERYONE hated her. I didn’t care – I guess I’m heartless.

So, for better or worse I realize that at times I can come across as a total asshole. Those who know me, know that I would do anything for them and that I suffer from the disease of brutal honesty (a.k.a being an asshole). My wife knows not to ask me about something unless she wants the truth (over the years and after a few beatings from the wife I have learned to make her feel good (lie) when necessary).

So what is a giant arrogant asshole of my caliber to do? Well, nothing. To be perfectly honest. I have learned to dial back my constant verbal assaults directed at one person and spread the wealth – not everyone is as thick skinned as me. I have even learned to give a little love here and there. A few of my female friends I cut some slack and tell them they look nice or some BS just because I know they need it. Hey, it makes me feel good to make them feel good – call me sensitive.

Anyways, I guess what I’m getting at is a lesson for all of those folks out there like me. Be yourself, but don’t be too hard on those sissies out there – especially when you are married to one :). Be tough, but remember to show some compassion and even share a compliment or two.

Good luck, assholes.

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