Two nights ago I had an interesting dream that I think reveals some of the internal conflicts I am having with myself. It’s a little fuzzy and the details I can not recall, but I remember having a conversation with a crowd of people. Maybe in a classroom or something similar. I do not think I know any of them. Thinking back I do not recognize anyone present. No, it was in a church!
We were singing church hymns, but I was not singing. I felt angry at the people around me. I felt like everything was a lie. I was mad at myself for not believing. I was scared and skeptical all at once. I wanted to believe in God. He was looking down on me right there, but i couldn’t do it. I was angry because of it. I was angry because all of these people could believe with no evidence and I couldn’t. I had no faith.
I refused to sing the church hyms. Looking back on the dream I think it was a symbol of defiance to God and religion. A conflict within myself. I couldn’t pretend to believe, so I couldn’t sing songs of worship to something or some-being.
My mind was racing and I was thinking all of the thoughts about how stupid religion is and how these people were ignorant. I kept having flashes of the preachers convincing people they are possessed – when clearly they are just ignorant and have convinced themselves a demon is causing all of their problems.
Despite all of my resistance I couldn’t help but feel that something in my dream was watching me. Maybe it was my own conciousness or maybe it was a symbol of spirituality. I’m no dream interpreter and I have never even thought twice about writting or thinking about my dreams. This one just seemed to jump out to me.
As in the dream, I am conflicted. I am angry. I want evidence. I lack faith. I am furious with ignorance and preachers who prey on the uneducated and weak to convince themselves there is a God and a Devil. I am tired of seeing people go to church every Sunday convinced they need to be exercised of the Devil and his demons. I am tired of a lack of education and ignorance corrilating to a high rate of religious belief. (Look at Mississippi. Ranked #50 in education and employment, Ranked #1 in religious donations)
I have a long road ahead of myself before I am satisfied. Before I can say for sure how I feel. For now I can just confirm that I am conflicted and searching. Stamping out my own ignorance.