dream

Two nights ago I had an interesting dream that I think reveals some of the internal conflicts I am having with myself.  It’s a little fuzzy and the details I can not recall, but I remember having a conversation with a crowd of people.  Maybe in a classroom or something similar.  I do not think I know any of them.  Thinking back I do not recognize anyone present.  No, it was in a church!

We were singing church hymns, but I was not singing.  I felt angry at the people around me.  I felt like everything was a lie.  I was mad at myself for not believing.  I was scared and skeptical all at once.  I wanted to believe in God.  He was looking down on me right there, but i couldn’t do it.  I was angry because of it.  I was angry because all of these people could believe with no evidence and I couldn’t.  I had no faith.

I refused to sing the church hyms.  Looking back on the dream I think it was a symbol of defiance to God and religion.  A conflict within myself.  I couldn’t pretend to believe, so I couldn’t sing songs of worship to something or some-being.

My mind was racing and I was thinking all of the thoughts about how stupid religion is and how these people were ignorant.  I kept having flashes of the preachers convincing people they are possessed – when clearly they are just ignorant and have convinced themselves a demon is causing all of their problems.

Despite all of my resistance I couldn’t help but feel that something in my dream was watching me.  Maybe it was my own conciousness or maybe it was a symbol of spirituality.  I’m no dream interpreter and I have never even thought twice about writting or thinking about my dreams.   This one just seemed to jump out to me.

As in the dream, I am conflicted.  I am angry.  I want evidence.  I lack faith.  I am furious with ignorance and preachers who prey on the uneducated and weak to convince themselves there is a God and a Devil.  I am tired of seeing people go to church every Sunday convinced they need to be exercised of the Devil and his demons.  I am tired of a lack of education and ignorance corrilating to a high rate of religious belief.  (Look at Mississippi.  Ranked #50 in education and employment, Ranked #1 in religious donations)

I have a long road ahead of myself before I am satisfied.  Before I can say for sure how I feel.  For now I can just confirm that I am conflicted and searching.  Stamping out my own ignorance.

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