I have to admit this. I drink too much. I drink too often and I binge drink. Probably at the rate of twice every three weeks (maybe a little less) I binge drink to the point of blackout and memory loss. We had happy hour at work last night, I drank and did not use my better judgement. I don’t think I did, but I can’t be sure that I didn’t make a bad impression with my co-workers – and it makes me feel sick inside that I didn’t use better judgement. I even drove the 18 miles home intoxicated. I should be ashamed of myself. I am.
This morning I feel strange, not hung over, but insecure and regretful. I feel like drinking like that is so counter-productive to everything I want to accomplish, yet I do it anyways. This is the second time I have felt this way about drinking – like I really want to never drink again. I wouldn’t consider myself an alcoholic, but I would consider myself someone who cannot drink socially or responsibly. I feel like I let myself go.
This started in college, my senior year I binge drank up to four times a week. Everyone felt justified, it’s your senior year – live it up. I don’t think that behavior is supposed to follow you into your professional life afterwards. I have just finished my first year in my career – and here I am – I guess trying to relive the glory days of college every time I get a beer in my hands. My main concern is that I didn’t do anything to change the opinion of my co-workers in a negative way.
I also feel insecure for some reason, now. I feel insecure professionally and about myself and my personal image. I feel like a fat ass today and I feel guilty. I feel guilty like I committed a crime, but I can’t remember what I did. No, I didn’t commit a crime – at least I didn’t break the law. The only crime I committed was the one against myself (except for driving while intoxicated). I can’t even remember the last time I hung out with my friends when alcohol wasn’t involved. If that’s not a problem, I don’t know what is. I have a problem.
So, from this point forward I am changing this. No more alcohol. No more binge drinking. I’m done. Finished. That way of life has ran its course and I can no longer be that person. I can no longer live that lifestyle. I don’t want my relationships to suffer and I don’t want my friendships to be based around drinking every time we meet up. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to be insecure for no reason at all except that the chemicals in my brain are fucked up. I don’t want to keep blacking out every time I drink. I don’t want people’s opinions of me to change.
I’m done drinking like this. Done.