My Mom sent me this email:
hey baby, first i want to tell you that i love you sooooooo much!!!!! and that i miss you really bad!!!!!!!!!! could you send me another e-mail with the pictures of ya’lls house, Jennifer erased mine, i wanted to save them and she didn’t know. me and daddy are both fine, just kinda stuck, but…. if i remember correctly, we won’t share each others personal problems or progress?????? when you said that to me (not in those words, yours were a little more harsh ! ) that day I thought to myself………. who is this person i’m talking to right now?? are you just trying to seperate yourself from me and dad? Christian, if you were ever lonely or thought I just checked out after you started high school , i’m sorry for some reason thats just how my body chose to deal with depression,insecurity problems….. etc. it really wasn’t like that until you were older, i wasn’t on drugs or any weird medication. it was just my body. I hope you were pretty happy for the most part growing up. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!
This email has bothered me to the core. It really has. I don’t know what to do with it. In a way it’s almost like it is my responsibility to do something about her and my father’s problems. It’s true I have disconnected myself from them, but that’s because I have to live my own life and get away from their mess. I left for college and never looked back. My Mother has done nothing to fix her own problems and maybe she can’t – so does this mean I should step up and try to make her life better? I can’t help but be cold towards her.
To me she’s weak. Other than raise me she did nothing for me. My parents were on food stamps – didn’t pay for my food. She recieved money from the Government – they didn’t pay the bills, the government did – they didn’t use the money to pay the bills half the time anyways. From the age 16 I was in charge of my own life. I paid my own bills, bought my own clothes. I really think she still pictures how things were when I was in elementary school. Things haven’t been right for decades. I think the truth would destroy her.
Should I be the better man? Should I forgive. Should I be compassionate and listen to their constant ignorance, constant complaints, and constant lack of action? Should I just deal with how shitty they were/are and be a good son? Probably. I don’t know if I can. I don’t know if I want to. I don’t know if it’s healthy either way. FUCK! Why can’t I just have a family that can fuel me instead of hinder my success. I don’t want to have “mommy and daddy issues” – but lets just be honest. I do. I have fucking family issues. I resent them all. I want to start over and get rid of their shitty genetics and taught behaviors forever.
I don’t want to go to my Mom’s project housing and feel guilty like I should somehow put her in better housing. I don’t want to see her depressed and leave feeling worse than I did when I got there. I don’t want to see what a wasted life both of my parents have managed to create for themselves. I don’t want to hear how “proud” they are of me. I don’t give a shit – I did this – ME – on my own. Maybe I’m being selfish. Maybe I’m not giving them due credit, but I don’t know how I can give them any credit after all of the bullshit I’ve been though because of them.
On the other hand, I realize, it’s not my job to save them. Maybe I should just do what I can. Be a son. Just be there. I just hope that I can do it without hurting myself in the process. It’s strange – not being able to know right from wrong – which choice is right and which is wrong – which is just? Should I have a relationship with them or finish building this wall between us that I have constructed? Shit.