As in… why do I want to bang my fat sister in law? There I said it, I admit it to the world. I really, really wouldn’t mind having my way with my overweight, not so smart, not especially attractive sister in law.
I’ve felt this way about her for a long time, and in my defense she used to be pretty darn good looking. But over time she’s had a kid, got married, gained about 100 lbs, well maybe not that much, but she has gone from about a size 4/6 to a 16/18, and she has declined in nearly every aspect of life.
Let’s Explore the Sick and Twisted Mind of Holden
When I met my sister in law, she was pretty damn hot. She had an ass about on par with Jennifer Lopez. She also had a job! A real job where she made over $10 an hour doing what I thought was pretty cool at the time- working as a middle manager at The Express… oh yeah!
So basically, every time I saw this woman she looked super-hot, super fit and was doing a great of job living beyond her means, looking super rich. Oh, and she didn’t give a shit about me. I was her older sister’s chubby, poor as shit boyfriend still piddling around in college living off a server’s wage. Nobody really understood why she was dating me. Hell, even I don’t understand why my wife dated me back then. But I digress.
Basically my sister in law proved what many douchebag men have known throughout all of time. If you want to get a girl (or lame ass guy) interested in you, act like you don’t give a shit, and they’ll want you if for no other reason than because they can’t have you. In my sister in law’s case, I don’t think she ever did want me. In fact, I’m pretty sure I disgusted her.
The Tides of Change
Over time the tables have really turned. The lard ass geek Holden would go on to graduate college and get a real job! I also dropped about 50-60 lbs and grew a really badass beard. And my pimples and back acne even went away!
My sister in law on the other hand has gone down… down… downhill. I mentioned she’s gained a ton of weight. Well, she’s also left her swanky job at The Express and doesn’t take quite as much pride in her appearance anymore. And that beautiful ass, while admittedly still nice for a fat girl, has grown to be quite large.
Still, I find myself terribly drawn to this woman despite her unattractive appearance You might think our personalities just click and we get along great. WRONG! I think her personality is rather vapid and she’s really not all that bright or even witty either. So if it isn’t physical attraction, and it isn’t personality, then what is it?
What is wrong with me America!
A Breakthrough in understanding the Human Psyche!
After many hours of thinking, pondering and midnight chats with Atty I started to pull it together. Then one night, Atty, Atty’s wife and I were all sitting around in a hotel room pre-gaming before heading the Cleremont Lounge to celebrate my birthday. My wife was in the other hotel room primping herself when I brought the topic up.
Suddenly I had an epiphany- a breakthrough in understanding of the human psyche! I finally understood.
My sister in law had become my “fuck you” to all the women I’d had crushes on in the past and was sadly rejected by. Before, when I was the little fatboy caterpillar of my youth, none of the ladies wanted me. None of the ladies liked me. I was just a goofy loser to them, and it hurt. But then I bloomed. I built a cocoon out of awesome and emerged from it an immaculate monarch butterfly ready to take on the world full force, armed with an amazing beard, uncanny sense of humor and a much smaller human shaped footprint.
Over the years my sister in law has warmed up to me more and more. My wife tells me she compares her husband to me, a poor guy who peaked his senior year in high school as a local football star. Oh, if only my wife knew how she fuels my super out of control ego! She’d be disgusted! Bwa haha!
My cravings to plough my sister in law aren’t because I actually want her chubby ass; it is because I’m a total douchebag and want to give her the big middle finger after pleasuring her with my manliness! All in the name of every poor former geek out there who was ever dissed by a woman.
After explaining my theory to Atty and his wife, they laughed at me but seemed to agree that it was a plausible theory, despite being ridiculous. God I hope my wife never finds this blog…