“Legendary-ish Stories” is a series I plan to write occasionally in which I describe actual incidents that happened in my life. These incidents often involve alcohol and at times immorality – neither of which I necessarily condone. With these stories I hope to add a touch of humor and display human imperfection while simultaneously eroding my credibility. Enjoy.
When I was in college my wife (then girlfriend) spent a brief stint in a sorority. I will say that there are certain social benefits one gets from being part of any organisation - in this case I found myself invited to quite a few parties and retreats with free alcohol. On one particular occasion the sorority decided it would be a great idea to throw a cabin themed event. So a few weeks later I found myself 2 hours from the nearest town in a giant cabin with about 40 or so other college aged people – with more alcohol than is healthy for any group of individuals isolated in the woods to have in their possession.
On the last night in the cabin was the “big blow out” event. It was the expectation that everyone would binge drink and leave not a drop of alcoholic beverage on the property. So I guess that is where my story really begins.
I was scoping out the attendees of the party – trying to find someone who would be willing to consume gratuitous amounts of alcohol with me. That’s when I saw Charley. He was a chubby guy drinking a Guiness at a table with his date. I could tell by the look of him he had the energy needed to take us through a night of binge drinking. I mean who drinks a Guiness that can’t hold their weight when it comes to alcohol?
The next thing I knew we were throwing back shots of free vodka, chugging beers, and drinking booze at a rate that is dangerous because you drink faster than you feel the effects. At some point during our binge drinking glory Charley went missing. Gone. No where to be found. I was drunk so I didn’t think much of it – hell I barely knew where I was! That’s when Charley’s date came running down the stairs in a panic. By the drunken look of panic in her face I assumed that someone had died – or she had lost her make-up bag.
“Charley locked himself in the bathroom, I heard him fall, and the door is locked – he’s not responding and I can’t get the door open!”
To add to our little situation we found out that the bath tube was running – which made it highly likely that Charley was about to drown while passed out in the tube. Had I been sober I may have responded more rationally, but under the intoxicated circumstance I decided that I was the obvious choice to save Charley – so I went up the stairs to investigate.
I knocked on the door, but of course there was no response. We decided it would be best to unlock the door just in case poor Charley was choking on vomit and bath water. Eventually someone a little more clear headed was able to open the door – but the sight we saw was more horrible than I or anyone else could have EVER imagined.
There Charley sat, in his own shit, naked. His fat belly was smeared with the foulest smelling human excrement I had ever experienced. There is modest penis lay, not proud and shriveled for all of the sorority sisters to see. He opened his eyes and without a word noticed we were looking, but not concerned, fell into the bath tub. We thought we had found a stroke of luck until his clumsy foot closed the drain. The water started to rise.
A few moments later Charley was chest deep in his own pooh water. A soup of his own shit where he was the main ingredient. I started to scream at Charley – there was no way I was going to put my hand in the tainted water to open that drain and it wasn’t an option to let the water flood the cabin. Finally he complied and the tub emptied. What was left was a ring of shit that covered the previously pearly white bathroom. The fesses cover his body too – like a fresh spray on tan – if that spray happened to be shit stew.
To make matters even worse I noticed there was a police officer standing next to me. He was in as much disbelief as me. We couldn’t believe the sad sight before us. Apparently in the panic someone had called 9-1-1. The police came to “save” poor Charley from alcohol poisoning.
Since there was a large amount of alcohol involved the police officer decided to check each of our IDs. Luckily everyone who had consumed alcohol was 21 – that is almost everyone. Our poor pooh covered friend was a mere 20 years old. So to add to the fact that he was covered in a brown film – he was also going to jail. The police officers loaded him in the police car and took him to the station. That’s also when it began to snow.
It kept snowing for 2 days. It was a blizzard in Georgia. That may not seem like a big deal to you, but in Georgia when it snows the state shuts down. No one drives because we can’t clear the roads. That means that poor Charley was destined to a jail cell in the south Georgia countryside for 3 days and nights – a nice lesson for a guy who shat himself.
Me? Well I learned a lot that night. One – just because a guy is drinking a Guiness doesn’t make him a good drinking partner and Two – never shit yourself.